Some addictions are hard to see because society considers them normal.
Addictions. Huh. That thing everyone whispers about or worse, tiptoes around, yet, has the power to take someone out or ruin their life in the blink of an eye. An addiction, as defined by Merriam-Webster.com, is evident when there is a “compulsive need for and use of a habit-forming substance (such as heroin, nicotine, or alcohol) characterized by tolerance and by well-defined physiological symptoms upon withdrawal”. I think that most of us would agree with this definition
More broadly defied, Merriam-Webster.com states that an addiction is characterized by “persistent compulsive use of a substance known by the user to be harmful”. And although this might seem more general, this is the definition that I believe to be more important whenever someone is determining whether or not they have an addiction.
Truth is folks, everyone has an unhealthy dependency on something. Absolutely everyone that you meet. And if someone tells you that they do not, then you absolutely know that they do. And this is perhaps, the most overlooked symptom of an addiction. We all have some degree of addiction. The question is not do I have one, but rather, what and where is mine.
Problem is, that when most people think of an addiction, they think of the classic examples such as drugs or alcohol, cigarettes, gambling or sugar. Although these substances and behaviors are common addictions, there are many other forms of addiction that unfortunately stay hidden from most people, because they are accepted by society as within the range of normal behavior.
Things like exercise, caffeine, reading, work, food, religion, and even technology are examples of addictive behaviors or substances when used to avoid there here and now reality of someone or something bothering you. This, coupled with the inability to choose to use or engage or not use or engage in these behaviors when feeling down, can also be an indicator of an unhealthy dependency or addiction.
I like to think of an addiction as broadly defined such as anything that someone uses to feel better, numb out or distract when they are having a hard day or a rough experience. We all have addictions to varying degrees, and the line between what constitutes a “serious” or “diagnosable” addiction between a harmful dependency on something is very small.
And quite honestly, it serves no purpose to mince words: if someone asks you whether or not you could give this person, thing or substance up for a period of time, and you feel panic or even look like a deer in headlights, then there is a reasonable chance that there is an addictive dependency that is present as a way of avoiding uncomfortable feelings or emotions.
Perhaps one of the most obvious addictions, and most socially acceptable addiction present day is right in front of our nose. We all use it. Repeatedly. And sometimes multiple times throughout the day. It is called technology, otherwise known as “screen time” for kids. If we think about an addiction as anything we do to take us out of the moment, there is nothing better than Facebook or the internet to help us pass the time or forget what was bothering us.
An addiction it is something as simple as use of or engagement in something that results in repeated harmful or dissatisfying outcomes, whether those harmful or dissatisfying outcomes are physical, behavioral or emotional. And addictions can not only be on a substance, such as cigarettes or alcohol, but that can also be process addictions, which are compulsive behaviors that have negative consequences for us.
Many abusive relationships are often process addictions that someone cannot break free from. In many cases, these process addictions go undiagnosed or unrecognized, which can be incredibly detrimental to self-esteem and worth.
Ever had a friend or loved one continue in an abusive relationship, saying that they need to leave but just cannot? Well, chances are there was some kind of process addictive quality in the relationship. It has only been fairly recently that there has been an increased emphasis on learning about process addictions in the mental health field, although these types of addictions and dependencies have been around for a very long time.
I tend to not get hung up on whether something is an addiction or harmful dependency because in my experience, anything that “numbs us out” or distracts us when we are feeling down or overwhelmed, or keeps us from having to feel more painful feelings if we were to stop, serves the same purpose: to get emotional relief in any sort of way available.
I am inclined to believe that everyone has an addiction or unhelpful dependency on something, and this dependency generally stems from an inability to get emotional relief in any other way. Depending upon the amount of emotional support in childhood, the degree, amount or severity of addictions in later life will vary from person to person.
If there was not much support for having or processing feelings as a child, then as an adult there is going to be little skill or knowledge about how to handle difficult feelings or experiences that occur in life. And this is where addictions come in- they give us emotional relief when we are unable to do so in more satisfying ways.
Just because we look like an adult, and do grown up kinds of things such as drive cars, pay bills, raise children and so forth, does not mean that we are emotional adults fully capable of supporting all of our feelings in satisfying kinds of ways.
The question is not “do I have an addiction” but rather “what is my addiction”. An addiction is anything we use to feel better that we cannot give up or stop voluntarily for an extended amount of time.
So the next time you feel compelled to get on the computer or to go for that run, or even notice that you have to have your Starbucks before you can do anything else, you might ask yourself: “what would happen if I didn’t do this”…?
And if there is any sort of negative reaction that happens inside at the thought of not making that next move, you might want to explore that further to determine whether you are avoiding some emotional experience thing that isn’t going to go away on its own, and actually limits the amount of satisfaction you can feel in your life.
Kate Schroeder is a therapist and coach who utilizes the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator ® and the Enneagram, as well as body-mind-spirit healing practices to access one’s inner wisdom in order to create a life filled with satisfaction. Start changing your life today by downloading her guided imagery program, Soul Meditations: Building A Relationship That Lasts, or visit Kate at Transformation Counseling, LLC for more information on how to connect with your best self.
Kate is an INFJ-3 on the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator and Enneagram.